Lawrence Mooney is a Melbourne-based television and radio presenter, writer, actor and comedian. He won the Melbourne Fringe Best Comedy Award in 2011 and reached the semi-finals in NBC’s 2007 Last Comic Standing. According to Mooney himself, Surely Not is his reaction to most of the shit he sees and a way for him to spew vitriol.

We sent Lawrence Mooney some amusing questions. This is what he had to say.

First comedy gig; when and where and how did it go?

“The first gig was May 1994 at the Champion Hotel in Fitzroy. I did 20 minutes and it went off. I’ve still got the tape. Pony tail, torn jeans, very Kurt Cobain.”

What drew you into performing comedy?

“The massive gratification getting a laugh gave me, that and the deep yearning for constant attention.”

Favourite comedian?

“Dave Allen and Derek & Clive.”

Comedian you would most like to be?

“I wouldn’t really change places with anyone, I love being me.”

Comedy duo or trio; who would be your partner/s in crime?

“I really would have loved to have played with John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd on Saturday Night Live but I’d be dead as well.”

Favourite joke you knew as a kid?

“What do you call a Cockatoo wearing a raincoat and carrying an umbrella? Polly Unsaturated. F*cking Gold!”

Most famous person’s number you have in your phone?

“It’s all comedians and there’s no way I’m picking one. Oh, and Bill Shorten.”

Favourite movie line?

“William Holden on Network: ‘He said life is bullshit sir.’ ‘Well life is bullshit, goddamnit!’

Richard Griffiths on Withnail And I:’I’ve been preparing myself to forgive you. I think it’s time to release you from the legumes, and transfer your talents to the meat.’.”

Best gig, worst gig, and why?

“Best was Canberra Theatre last year – they loved me.

Worst, Shepparton Football Club 2008 – they hated me.”

Favourite imaginary friend as a kid?

“No imaginary friends. Too busy driving my pretend car around the house.”

Job you currently perform in your alternative life when not performing comedy?

“Host of Dirty Laundry Live on ABC TV. The last real job I had was high rise window cleaning in 1998.”

Your porn star name [first pet/first street]?

“Fluffy Bermuda.”

What is your hidden talent?

“I’m an outstanding marksman with rifle and arrow.”

Tell us something that people don’t yet know about you.

“I have an enormous sperm count; it can be lethal if I don’t have sex regularly. They can only reduce it in a hyperbaric chamber.”

Favourite childhood memory?

“The Royal Melbourne Show and Caravan Holiday in Echuca.”

Celebrity meet that left you star-struck?

“Weirdly footballers leave me a bit breathless, I love them.”

Pet hate?

“People stopping in doorways and people in general are just so dumb.”

Secret crush?

“Lisa Wilkinson.” xxxxx

Time travel; where would you most love to go and why?

“New York City 1947 to join Jack Kerouac and Neal Cassidy on their journey across America.”

How do you deal with annoying people who insist you tell them a joke once they discover you are a comedian?

“I suck up to them and comply. I’m not good at telling people to fuck off until I am blind drunk then I’m great at it.”

What’s something from your childhood that you still love and have today?

“My mum, and my metal horse guards and grenadier guards I got on a trip to England in 1975. I had my mum before 1975.”

Best or worst advice you were every given?

“Best advice was you can never learn much whilst you’re talking. F*cking Gold.”

Best or worst advice you ever gave?

“I perish to think, I’ve given so much bad advice. Don’t listen to a word I say.”\

A missed opportunity that you would give anything to go back and try?

“I was in a Melbourne International Film Festival Q&A with Ring Lardner Jnr – one of the blacklisted writers during the McCarthyist era – who was answering questions. He was very old, I’d read his book The Ecstasy Of Owen Muir and had a question to ask… but I just choked. I regret not talking to him. I love that book.”

Which comedian would you 1. Song? 2. Marry? 3.Avoid?

“Sammy J, Heath McIvor, and any self-righteous arsehole.”

Has anyone literally wet themselves laughing at one of your shows?

“Yes, I’ve had that honour bestowed upon me.”

What’s the best chat-up line you’ve ever heard/used?

“Tomas in The Unbearable Lightness Of Being: ‘If we had two lives we could compare doing this and not doing this but we only have one life, so let’s do this.’ …or words to that effect. It worked a treat all through the 90’s.”

Favourite or worse heckle you’ve ever had?

“I filled in for a comedian whose mum was sick. The MC told the crowd that just as he introduced me. I was crashing and somebody yelled out, ‘I wish your mum was sick.’ Gold!”

If you were a flavour of ice cream, what would you be and why?

“Rum and Raisin, because I’m a dad and it’s the traditional flavour of dads.”

Lawrence Mooney performs Surely Not? at Rhino Room – Upstairs from 8.15pm on Tue Feb 17 until Sat Mar 14.

Book at FringeTIX on 1300 621 255 or Click HERE to purchase your tickets.

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